Saturday, June 11, 2011

Anywhere But Here

So that is the movie I've been watching tonight.  I liked it, but it made me sad remembering my mom.  Susan Sarandon plays a woman in it that reminds me of her.  The major difference in it is that at the end, my mom didn't send me on my way wishing me luck, she kept wanting to drag me back and tell me how I took her grandson away from her.  In the end, we never got to make ammends and love each other again, not really. 

I spent my whole life hating her, and loving her, wanting to be anywhere but where she could have any control over my life.  None of my friends were ever good enough, none of the men I dated were ever good enough, and I was never good enough.  She never admitted she made mistakes, and that was what I wanted from her most.  I wanted to her to say that she was sorry and mean it.  She wouldn't have had to go into any details, I just wanted her to apologize. 

I find myself wondering from time to time what kind of consciousness, if any, that she has now.  Where is she in the big scheme of things?  Has she answered in any way for the things she did to myself and my brother and sister?  I wish I knew.  I wish I could talk to her again; sit down with her and have a real conversation.  I wish I could know if she was ever truly proud of me and if she ever loved me because I was me and not some weird extension of her. 

Through out my life she used to tell me that she always wanted children because your children will always love you unconditionally.  I guess that she always felt that the love she was given had too many conditions placed on it.  Her parents wanted her to be a good, Godly woman; my dad just wanted her to be sane.  I don't know about any friends she may or may not have had.  I don't really see my mother having friends and that makes me sad.  Most of the men she dated were just as bad as she was in some way or another.  I also felt bad for her because several times in my life I said that she would die alone, and that is how she did die.  I also thought many, many times how much easier my life would be if she were dead.  That made me feel SO guilty when she did die.  I felt like somehow I had willed it into being. 

The truth is, my mother was a selfish, abusive woman who always felt that everyone owed her something.  She was mean and cruel and she hurt me in so many ways that I can't find words to say them all.  There are scars on my soul from her that will never heal, but she was my mother.  Even knowing and realizing all these things I still love her.  I still miss her everyday.  Seeing the way that she treated people (myself included) made me a better person, made me who I am today.  Having to watch her make mistakes and use people taught me how to be a better person, and how to treat people.  Growing up with such a shitty family life taught me strength and how to put on a smile and fake it when all you want to do is cry.  It taught me how to hide my feelings and my fears.  She taught me how to fight. 

I wonder if my mom is out there somewhere in the great beyond watching me live.  I have to wonder if she's jealous because I'm happy for the most part, or if she is glad that I have peace. 

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