Saturday, April 30, 2011

Why Didn't I Tell Everyone?

I had a friend who was blown away when I finally told them about my surgery Monday.  Why didn't I tell everyone?

I guess the biggest reason is that I hate drama.  I don't care who knows about my surgery, I just didn't tell a lot of people.  I hear so much about everyone else and I hear people complain about hearing constantly about others' health problems.  I hear people who say that folks are faking it, they just want attention. 

I didn't want to be that girl...

The long and short of it is, I am terrified.  I have had a fair amount of surgeries for someone my age.  I have never went in to surgery scared before.  I don't have a good feeling. 

Raven keeps asking me what's wrong, and what can he do to help.  There really isn't anything he can do that he isn't doing already.  The simple truth is that I have to go in to that OR alone.  No one can go in there with me, they all just have to wait until I come back out.  I guess I have several friends that can go in with me in spirit, but I have to go it alone physically. 

Now and after the surgery, no one can be inside my head or my body with me and experience what I am going through.  I do have one very dear friend who has been through this herself, but that's it.  Everyone else can just speculate. 

I ask once more for those that I love and who care anything about me to say a little prayer for me as you go to bed tomorrow night.  If you are able, send a little piece of your spirit in there with me and try to comfort me.  I hate to ask that because it seems greedy or selfish, but I can't help it.  I am doing the best I can here.  I already broke down once today and I feel the pressure building up behind my face.  This tension is killing me. 

Staring off the Weekend

So, I had decided that this weekend would be relaxing and very grounding, since I have surgery Monday morning and may not be able to do a lot of the things I want to do for a while.  My Raven has decided that we should go to the zoo in the morning and enjoy it while it is still cool out.  I thought that this was a fabulous idea.  It's been years since I have been to the zoo, and I do love it.  I love to see all the animals and you just don't get to observe them much as it gets into the hotter parts of the year/day.  This works well for me since I am fairly intolerant of the heat myself.

The last time I was at the zoo it was with my son.  Dalton really loves the zoo, and he loves the otters.  Those are his favorite animal.  He loves watching the swim around and play, and will watch them for hours. I took him on a trip several summers ago.  It was just he and I, and we were gone for a weekend.  We drive up to Columbus, OH and spent time at the Columbus zoo, which is home to Jack Hanna, and also went to the Center of Science and Industry, or COSI.  My Dalton had a great time, and I really wish I knew if he remembers any of it or not.  We had a great time at the zoo, and he discovered that he loves manatees.  I have no idea why, but once we found them, we had to go back and see them more.  He even spent his souvenir money on a stuffed manatee puppet. 

This was a very different choice, it seemed to me.  My son has always loved reptiles- turtles and alligators and such.  He has never said why he likes the manatees, but he does...

*Note:  I started this Thursday night at work and I have since then lost my train of thought.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Severe Weather

So this week has had lots of severe weather here in East Tennessee.  Monday was the beginning of it, to the best of my memory. 

I came home from school Monday and got in bed to sleep.  I had not slept long before school and I was scheduled to work that night.  I got to sleep for about two hours before I woke up just burning up!  That was the first conscious thought I had when I woke up, "Why the hell is it so hot in here ?!?" 

My internal thermostat turning up to the fires of hell when I sleep is a topic of debate between Raven and I, but suffice it to say that if it is any way warm in the room where I am trying to sleep, it does not work out very well.  So, as my senses are coming to me, I notice that it sounds, quite literally like I am trying to sleep in the middle of a train wreck.  The power had apparently blinked out and when that happens, it turns off the air conditioner.  Boo no air! 

I got up and turned the AC unit back on, and crawled back in bed only to lie there and not be able to sleep.  Normally, I sleep quite well when it is raining or storming.  This was considerably worse than just a thunderstorm.  I watched out my front door for a while and the hail was pretty neat.  It looked like someone had opened a huge bag of white peas and dropped them in front of my apartment.  I've not had much experience with hail.  However, not getting any sleep made me quite pleased when I ended up getting COH'd from work. 

Then we have today/tonight.  It has stormed almost all day.  There were bad storms across Arkansas all day yesterday so they finally reached us.  When I woke up this afternoon, there were at least four messages from the NWS telling me that we were under a tornado warning.  It never really went out of effect until almost midnight.  We mostly got a lot of thunder and lightening.  That was surprising to me since we usually end up getting the worst of the bad weather where we live. 

I had hoped to be COH'd again tonight, but it didn't happen that way. 
I need to workon this some more in a bit, right now- duty calls!  To be continued...

So anyway, where was I?  Ah yes, the storms today. 

Most of town got hit with some bad stuff.  There was hail from pea sized to grapefruit sized.  Can you imagine it raining grapefruit?  I know several people who had their windshied's busted out of their cars from it.  I am truly glad that we didn't get any of that. 

The drive in to work was interesting.  There wasn't much rain, but the sky was alive with lightening.  A few miles down the road from my house, I heard on the radio that there was a tornado in Oak Ridge and it was heading towards Powell, where I work.  I had to get gas across the street from work, and as I went in to pay for it, the rain hit.  It was torrential!  In the 20 or so feet from the door back to the car I was completely drenched! 

I think it will be interesting on the drive home in the morning to see the newly formed lakes from all the rain.  I think the weather channel was showing that we got about 4 inches of rain in the last 24 hours.  That's a lot!  Makes me wish I had a garden, it would be growing so well with all the rain we've had this year! One of the ladies I work with is worried about her house in Maryville.  Apparently they got hit worse than we did here.  I hope that it is all still in one piece. 

Anyway, enough random rambling!  It will be time to go home soon and I am losing focus. 

Why Tigers?

It may be odd to some people that I have tigers all over my blog.  Tigers are not one of the animals that I talk about a lot, and most people flat out know that I love cows.  Yes cows.  The big black and white domino cows are my favorite, and most of my friends and family knows that I have a collection of cows.  The only other thing that I really collect are snowmen.

So why tigers?

I have felt an affinity for tigers for some time. I find them entrancing and beautiful.  I never really understood why until I spent some time examining my faith and my own personal belief system.  Tigers are associated with healing

To me that more or less says it all.  Tigers are associated with healing and that is why I feel so strongly connected to them.  It's really more than that.  Tiger is my animal guide.  I forget what, exactly, my book says about tigers being your animal guide, but I will have to look when I get home.

Right now, I am simply writing as a means of decompression from work.  I will edit this when I get home and put it in here though.  Right now,  I think I have some other topics I need to work out.


If Tiger is your power animal:
  • You're naturally clairvoyant, with the gift of prophecy that becomes stronger and more evident as you age.
  • You're a healer, and due to your strong tactile sensitivites, your best vehicle for healing is performing some kind of bodywork.
  • You're solitary and nocturnal and do your best work at night.
  • You're adventurous, powerful, and passionate, and enjoy life to the fullest.
  • You enjoy playing sports, particularly ones that are physically demanding.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

So tired

So, I am working on this and I have not let Raven read it yet on purpose.  He is not allowed to read it until Monday.  So far I feel really good about writing about what is going on in my head.  I am not feeling good about Raven being in such a bad mood.  He said that he woke up in a bad mood, but I think it is more than that. 

I think he is stressing about Monday as well.  he won't tell me that he is, but I am sure that is the case. I think he is afraid of causing me more stress.  I have a ton already and he knows that. I appreciate that he wants to shield me, but he has got to talk to someone.  I think I might suggest that he start his own blog.  It would be good for him to have some means of expression.  Hell, I don't even care if he doesn't let me read it, but I think he needs to do something.  He bottles so much up and in and there is nothing I can do about any of it. 

I know that he enjoys writing.  I think I am definitely going to try it.  Maybe he can write his short stories there or review new music he hears or something.  Maybe it will give him some purpose.  He may even get more than one blog started, LOL!  I can see him having one for LARP stuff and one for music and one for food and one for him to just vent out all his stressors.  Yes, I think this is a good idea!

I would like to start reading a lot more.  I truly miss it. Laurel K. Hamilton's new book is coming out soon.  I wish it was out already.  I also wish that she had another Merideth Gentry book out.  I can't wait to read what happens next with Frost and Doyle and the babies!

I think I am going to try to decompress and relax a little. All of the tension from before Raven left for work has me all drawn up tight again.  I was feeling so much better after my meditation.  It's ok, I'll get my peace again. 

It begins

     One of the messages said that there were several things that were going to happen and I shouldn't try to analyze them.

     So they started.  I just saw a brown rabbit in my backyard as I was rinsing out the tea pitcher.  Since I have never seen one out there in the two years that we have lived here, I would normally pull out my Animal Guide book and see what her message is.  But I am resisting the urge.

     Instead, I just stood there and watched her hop around in the yard and hop away.  I just watched her and let her bring a smile to my face. 

     On another note, I am struggling with being very testy.  I don't mean to be, but it seems like even the smallest thing is getting on my last nerve.  I am hoping that it can be attributed to stress.  I feel like crying a lot.  I truly *AM* at peace with what ever is going to happen on Monday, but it doesn't keep me from being hormonal.



 I emailed a few friends today who I feel are very spiritually connected. I asked for their prayers and their good energies, if they could spare them. I felt a need to ask for their help. I have received responses back from 3 out of 4 of them. One of the last responses was to make sure I took time to ground myself and just be in the moment. So, for the first time in such a long time that I can’t remember, I went outside. I went without the dog to the back yard as if drawn and just picked the spot that felt right and sat down. I could feel the earth below me, the sun warm on my face, the wind in my hair and I could hear the stream below for a long time. After a while, a gentle rain began to kiss my skin. I spent the time meditating, and connecting myself to the Mother. I spoke to those I love who have went on. I spent time and thanked the Universe for allowing me to have this life, and all the experiences that it has entailed and I was at peace. I felt a wonderful glowing golden energy surround me. As corny as it seems that is what I felt. I think it might have been all the energies of my friends coming to envelope me in warmth.

     I know I have cancer. I just know. I have seen the signs and I hope that I am wrong, but I know that I am not. All this almost feels too hokey to be true, but I know this as well as I know my own name. I have cancer. I don’t know beyond that right now, and that is ok. I let the Universe know that I am at peace, and whatever road they have chosen for me to walk, I will walk it.

     There was also an insistence, or urgency from Crow. After the rain began to come down a little more insistently, I came back inside and looked it up. Crow says “See Also Raven” and I will get to that in a minute, but I wanted to discuss the messages that Crow is supposed to be giving and analyze them.

     • You’re on the verge of manifesting something you’ve been working toward for a while.
     • Be very watchful over the next couple of days for any clear omens or signs that will guide you and teach you.
     • Expect a big change very soon.
     • You’ve noticed something that’s out of balance or an injustice that hasn’t been addressed, and it’s important to speak up about it.
     • You’re about to get a glimpse into some future event that affects you directly.

     Let’s start with the first one: I think this could be a couple of things. It could be that my student loans are getting ready to be out of default and I will be getting financial assistance this term. It could be that I am progressing on my chosen career path. Those are my thoughts on that subject.
     The second one is a gentle reminder, I think, that I should pay attention. Especially considering what is going on right now and what I am getting ready to face.
     Three- duh. I kind of expected that.
     Four-Maybe the out of balance part is the pain I’ve been feeling. I can’t go a whole day without pelvic pain at this point, so that could be that answer.
     Five- I don’t know. I really can’t see that far, but I think that is the point.

     Now on to what Raven said, which is very different from brother Crow, but also just as relevant:
      • Magic is in the air, and something special is about to happen.
      • Pay attention to dreams and visions, especially colorful and powerful ones, as these are indicative of prophecy.
      • In any undertaking or in any relationship, be very clear as to what your intentions are because whatever they are, that’s what will manifest.
      • You’re gradually shape-shifting to a more confident, powerful, and spiritually based you that will continue to emerge the more you let go of your old self.
      • You’ll observe an increasing number of synchronistic events over the next few days, so just notice these, appreciate them, and don’t try to figure them out.

     Well, some of that really mirrors what Crow said, but it is also different. I feel like magic is in the air most of the time, so the first part is really sort of redundant to me.
     The second one makes more sense. This has been the first time I have sat down and tried to connect since I put a name to my religion. I had lots of bursts of colorful energy and swirling that I have not experienced before. Maybe I am out of my mind, but it was real and there for me. I am not discounting it.
     The third part really feels more like common sense to me. I try to go after things this way with everything. Make sure I put into it the energy I want to get back out. This is sort of my philosophy on much of life: be good to each other, and don’t put negative energy into something and expect to get positive energy out of it.
     This one is most definitely true. I can feel this all the time, or more often now than I have ever felt in the past. Christianity was wrong for me. It never felt right like this does. This is like home, and I have missed it.
     With the last one, like the Crow, I just need to pay attention. Perhaps I will have a lot of signs over the next few days. I’ll be quietly observant for them. I think I already had one, Pigeon that I saw Easter morning as I left work. Raven does not put much stock in Pigeon, but the pigeons I have seen around in my life fly away as soon as you start towards them. Perhaps that is why I saw Pigeon. The message was for me and I accepted it. I will talk about Pigeon’s message later.

      I have taken the time to write up these revelations because it feels important to me somehow. I’m not sure how yet, but again, it feels right. Now I just have to locate a site to post my diary and we can go from there.

     Now, something that made me giggle, and I think laughter is pretty good for me right now: