Sunday, July 31, 2011

Hard time

So I am having a hard time adjusting to this dieting business.  I'm supposed to get between 1200-1600 calories daily to lose weight.  I feel like I am freaking starving to death all the time.  I hate this feeling.   I still don't feel like I am eating a bunch of bad things, except for my cookie binge the other night.  I just feel like I am waiting on the clock to hit midnight so I can eat something else.  Looking at my tracker seems like I am eating a decent diet, but I can't figure out why I am so hungry.  I wonder if it's because I am right after my period.  I don't want to make excuses, but I am SO hungry.  I don't want to be hungry, but I am tired of being fat too.  You would think that a lot of vegetables would mean a lot of fiber and it is supposed to fill you up.  I am not having that experience.

Yours truly,
Frustrated Fat Girl

Friday, July 29, 2011

Realized something

I am trying to punish myself for the damned cookies last night.  I felt guilty eating a half a cup of mashed potatoes.  Geez, I still have to have stuff for my body to run on now, no matter how many empty calories I ate last night. 

At least I realized what I am doing and I can try and get it on track now.  Well at least not have that horrible feeling anymore.  Who am I kidding, that feeling won't go away for a few days, but at least I know that I am doing it now and can work on rectifying the situation.  I know if I feel like I am punishing myself I am going to be more likely to binge more.  I will feel justified, you know, the whole "well I lived on raw veggies for 2 days, I deserve a box of cookies."  I think it would be easier if Raven liked the same kinds of treats I did and we could look out for each other, but it doesn't work that way and I would feel bad because they went bad before I ate them all. 

A step every day, is one step closer to the goal!

Stupid wagon

Well, as I said before I am trying to get back on the healthy wagon again.  There are things that complicate that journey.  Like the 3000+ calorie day I am having.  I hate hormones.  They make me crave things I don't even like and this time it was chocolate.  So when I stopped at the store to get fresh veggies to snack on, I had to get the chocolate no bake cookies I have been craving for 3 days.  So when I got home, instead of having a cookie or two, I ate the whole package.

Yes, I am a pig.  So what do I say about a 3000+ calorie day?  Shit happens.  I will do better.  But I do feel bad about it, probably more bad than I need to, because I usually do a fairly good job at eating well.  Hormones make us all do crazy shit, mine just have help because of the ongoing funk I am in. 

I did start working out the other night.  I couldn't do more than about 25 minutes, but at least I got off my ass.  I am still sore from it, but I plan on working out again tonight.  I just have to make myself do it.  Life changes are hard and take time to set in and see the results from them.  They are even harder to make when you have a predisposition to depression and addictions.  I figure if I keep plugging away at it, sooner or later I will win. 

And yes, I ate a whole pack of cookies, but at least I admit it and I have been eating veggies since I got up today.  I think I need more protein for the day though, so I will have some pork chop when I fix Master his dinner.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Falling off of the wagon

Well, while the title doesn't mean what people are probably thinking right now, it means something to me.  I am not a drinker, I really never have been, but I am a chubby chick.  I was doing well with my weight loss and health stuff, but I fell off the wagon. 

I think a lot of this has to do with me feeling like I am in stasis while I am in the school limbo.  However, I am jumping right back on the wagon.  I am tired of being unhealthy. 

First big thing- I quit smoking.  I still have a nicotine addiction, but I am no longer using tobacco products to meet this need.  So I have eliminated a big chunk of unhealthy things from my life.  I also got Raven to quit, so I don't even get it second hand anymore.  I am using an ecig and if anyone is interested in the one I have and how to order it, please just let me know.  I'd be happy to share my success with you.  I smoked a pack a day for 23 years, and my ex husband used to beat me severely for smoking.  I finally managed to stop.  I'm so proud of myself for it!

I bought some work out videos and I plan on using them.  I will have to do this at night, after Raven leaves for work because I have to use the bedroom because of the space, and he sleeps during the day.  No big deal, I always felt more like sleeping after I worked hard anyway.  I feel that this is a good thing for me, and something I can actually do.  I can't afford a gym membership, or the gas to drive to one every day.  The videos I got are Gilad, who used to have a show on tv called "Bodyshaping," and for quite a while after I left my husband, I would do the two half hour shows that were on 4 days a week before I went to bed.  Here is a link to his youtube page  he does speak with a thick accent, but I like the way he works. 

I am also getting to where I am trying to log my meals on Sparkpeople again.  I think I do ok with my diet, but Sparks just reinforces it.  I don't like the way I look in the mirror any more and these are the things I need to do to get back to where I need to be with it all. I think the exercise will also help me feel less trapped in the house.

The heat here lately has been oppressive and I don't do well in the heat.  It shoots my blood pressure up and makes it hard to breathe.  I know people think my house is a meat locker- that's why, I can't do the heat, it will make me have a stroke.  So I enjoy my home cold.  It is my house, LOL! 

So anyway, that is what is going on in my life right now.  I'll post more another day!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

New Adventure

Well, Raven is getting a snake.  I am not afraid of snakes, but I have never had one.  He is so excited!  On the up side, the person we are getting it from is giving it away for free because he got a new one and simply doesn't have room for all of them. Honestly, to me that says don't buy a new snake, but that is just my opinion, LOL!
This is a python, I am guessing a ball python, so I have been reading up on them while I have had a little bit of down time here at work.  He is supposed to be picking it up tonight, and the guy is giving him the entire set up and a rat for this week, and it eats one rat every other week.  Just so you know, I was pricing rats online, and the rats themself don't cost very much, but the shipping is outrageous!  I guess it would have to be considering they are frozen and need to stay froze, and come next day air, but dag on!  The shipping costs 3-4 times what the actual rats cost. 
Oh well, you guys have to wish me luck on this adventure.  If it eats my cat or my dog, I'll have snake for dinner.  Raven has been warned that he needs to make sure it can't get out. 

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Life Gets me down

I am so tired of being poor.  I feel like we try so hard to dig our way out of the hole and no matter how hard we try or how much we dig, we just keep getting deeper and deeper.  I don't want to move in with friends, I like having my own place and my own space, but I don't know if there is any way that I can keep turning them down. 
I don't know where it all goes.  It seems like every bill I owe is in the red or in collections.  I can't seem to catch up and every time I think I am making headway, it gets worse again.  How do I break the cycle?  I mean, I work what I can, but shifts are getting cut at the hospital and I have to take my turn just like everyone else.  To compound that, there are garnishments against my check and after insurance, the amount I get to bring home is pitiful.  I honestly think I would do better if I was on welfare.  It's sad that I have gotten to that place that it seems that way.
I've worked all my life and never had anything given to me, but I can't seem to get out of the ditch.  If it isn't one thing it's another.
Maybe moving in with a friend until I get some stuff paid off is the best course of action.  Pay off bills, help her out, not have to stress so much about money.  I don't know.  If I do that, then I will have to rent a climate controlled storage unit. I wonder what those cost.  I guess I had better check.

Sunday, July 10, 2011


Ok, so a lot of people know that I didn't have an ideal childhood, but then again, who did?  I am so frustrated right now that I can't hardly see straight, and this is an improvement over the anger I felt earlier.

My sister is 13 years younger than me and was raised pretty much solely by my mother.  Almost all of those close to me know that my mother was not a nice lady.  She was greedy and convinced that the world owed her something.  I think she was probably the closest I will ever get to the true definition of "narcissism."  I think that growing up with mom being Lindsey's sole source of morality and ethics has damaged my sister.  I think it has damaged her irrevocably. 

This whole thing leads me to my own guilt for it being the way it is, because when I left at 18, I knew mom was batshit.  Still I left my sister there.  I didn't take her with me because I was a teenager, I didn't think I was in any way ready to continue raising my sister, and I didn't know what else to do.  So I left her.  I left her to grow up molded by my mother's terribly skewed sense of what is right and wrong.  I did try a couple of times to get her out of there, but nothing ever came of it until it was too late.  I called all the right people and told them about the abuse that was going on there and as far as I know, nothing ever happened.  I wish it were different. 

I have tried to help my sister ever since mom got out of prison and it has never worked out.  First, when she was still so young and a teenager, you know I had no idea what I was talking about and she knew so much more than I did, so she chose to not visit me and allow me to help her.  Then after mom died and she was married and having problems, she and her husband moved in to my house.  My husband and I supported them and tried to help them get a better life, but because we wanted them to act like adults and be responsible, they moved out of our house and in to her long lost uncle Brant's place.  I had found him for her when she asked me about her dad's family.  Well, it didn't work out so well there either, so she and her husband moved out of there and back to Kingsport.  You know, all of us were wrong to her in some way so we are all wrong and she is the only one who is right. 

She moved on and I let her, I didn't let her in to my life, and she never bothered to keep in contact with me.  She only calls, emails, or texts when she wants something.  Today I find out that her current fiancee is no longer her fiancee and he has a tape that she wrangled out of her dying grandmother of her and her father when she was an infant.  She wants it back, I don't blame her, but she is letting everyone believe that she is always right and forever the victim and everyone else is wrong.  She is letting my sister in law feel bad for her, and planning on trying to get my brother to feel bad for her. 

This irritates me to no end, because she needs to stop leaching off of who ever she thinks can give her the most and earn her own living.  I am pretty sure that she is going to ask my brother if she can move in with him and his wife.  Most of the time, I wouldn't care- do what you want, but my brother has had such a hard time already  in this life due to his own bad choices which led to addictions, and he is finally getting it all straight.  Here she comes ready to stick her foot in his pretty pie and fuck it all up.  Because poor her doesn't have a life anymore because everyone shits on her and she is so damned pitiful.

Fucking grow a pair and move on. Make your own life and stop playing the damn victim.  Life will only ever be what you want it to be when YOU start working to make it what you want.  No one ever handed me anything, I have had to work my ass off for what I have.  Still most of what I have is hard won self respect. 

I am just so angry that she thinks just like mom did.  Everyone owes her, and she shouldn't have to work for anything.  Makes me really glad that my son never knew her better.  I know there are people out there who will think me twisted for that, but it's the truth. 

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Odd observances on today's adventure

So as part of our vacation, Master and I decided that we wanted to go hiking.  We looked at the parks that are close to us and asked friends where they liked to go and I wanted to take Fang with us.  We came to the decision to go toFrozen Head State Park.  It took us about an hour to drive from our house to the trail head where we parked and started hiking.  We drove through a part of Tennessee that I have never drove through before. 

I am convinced that I live in one of the most beautiful parts of our country. 

I do have some observations to share though.  After we went through Oak Ridge, there were a lot of homes in beautiful land, but there was no fucking place for these people to work.  I wonder if I am just spoiled that I live, and have almost always lived with in about 30 minutes of my job.  After we got to the turn off for the park, we found where they all work at, well a large part of Morgan County must all work on this one road.  (Flat Fork Road, in case you are interested.)  Flat Fork Road is a narrow 2 lane road, that is immaculately paved and newly painted and we came across, in this order, Morgan County school district offices, a wedding chapel (not a church), and then Morgan County Correctional Complex, then a few private homes and then there is the entrance to Frozen Head State Park.

Now, from the sign, you would think that this is the county penal farm and that's it.  All it says is "Morgan County Correctional Facility" and then you continue to circle around it, because that is exactly what this two lane country road does.  It circles the Pen.  It's fucking huge.  It also has fences that are at least seven feet tall and are not just a fence but rows of razor wire stacked on top of each other to get to that seven foot height.  There was a double row of this, with a walkway inside it and then more rows of fencing with more razor wire on inside the prison.  Now, what is going through my head right now is "there must be some bad mother fuckers in Morgan county, because the penal farm in Knox county (which is much more densely populated, and, well, urban) is NOTHING compared to this."  I also wondered why in hell they would build such a prison on the ONE road in to the State park. I still don't know.

Just to finish this observance out, I am going to tell you what I learned in my research before we went hiking about the park, and what I learned after we got home and I tried to figure out what that massive prison was doing there. 

The land that is Frozen Head State Park and Natural Area was purchased by the State in 1894 for the Brushy Mountain State Prison.   The state wanted to use convict labor to mine coal, and use the forest  for constructing of mine shafts. In 1911, the Emory River Lumber Company purchased the Frozen Head area and cut most of the forest's commercial timber. Major logging operations in the forest commenced in 1925.

In 1933, the governor set aside a large part of Brushy Mountain State Prison's lands for the establishment of Morgan State Forest. The Civilian Conservation Corps arrived that same year to construct roads and facilities for forest maintenance. CCC operations continued in the forest until 1941, although rattlesnakes and prison escapes prevented the establishment of a camp within the forest until 1938.

A large part of Morgan State Forest burned in a forest fire in 1952, and the forestry division transferred the lands to the parks division 18 years later for the establishment of Frozen Head State Park. In 1988, most of park's acreage was classified as a state natural area, restricting development to a 330-acre area around the confluence of Flat Fork and Judge Branch.  *A large part of the above history is copied form wikipedia*

In 2009, Brushy Mountain State Pen closed to inmates forever.  It was to house 584 inmates and was a maximum security prison.  It was out of date and expensive (and would cost like $25 million to update) to run so they had built a new, modern prison to take it's place, the Morgan County Correctional Facility.  It is built to house more than 2,400 inmates and is also a maximum security prison.  My question, why did they choose to build it on the ONE road that goes in to the state park?  I have no idea.  It just seems like an odd place to me for a prison.

More observances, people are loud and rude and have no respect for Mother Nature.  Parents are strange.  One would think that people would go to a natural area like this to enjoy the serenity of the mountains and the sounds of nature, the views, etc.  We heard (when we were close enough to the other hikers) a lot of screaming and yelling like frat boys - from adults, not children.  It was quite peaceful to be on the trail away from others and enjoy the sounds of the stream bubbling happily down the mountain. 

I was irritated beyond words to find cigarette butts in the middle of the trail and a place where someone had thrown down a styrofoam cup where it could not be easily retrieved.  If there was any way that I could have gotten it, I would have carried it out.  These things felt to me like the most disrespectful thing that could be done. 

Because of this day, and this hike, I look forward to more days and more hikes with Raven.  I want to be able to enjoy the serenity of just being.  Just being there in the middle of all of that awesomeness. A few pictures to share of our day.
This is Emory Gap Falls.  A 35 foot fall that slips over this cliff face.  At the top, we explored a little bit.  I wish I had taken my camera up with me, but I left it in the pack at the end of the trail.  I was amazing and inspirational.  I wish we had gotten to enjoy it by ourselves, but I guess that will have to be another day.

This is looking up at the falls from the end of the trail.  If you look closely towards the center of the picture, you can see the falls.  This spot is where we left the packs.  I had expected more with the "falls"  I guess, more water, but what was there wasn't a huge rushing of water, but it was more in another way.  The evidence there to see the awesome power of water and what it can do carving out the overhang that made up the falls. 

It was a beautiful day, and I can't wait until we get to go backpacking again and I have more beautiful shots to show you.  If you have some favorite areas to hike in East Tennessee, please let me know what they are.  I hope we get to explore many of them, and I have several books from the library that we are using to decide what hikes we are going to be taking. 

I think our next trip will be over to the Great Smoky Mountains National Park.  There are a lot of good trails over there and I love the area.  I can be hopeful that it is more off the beaten track and there fore there will be fewer people to interrupt my serenity.