Sunday, July 10, 2011


Ok, so a lot of people know that I didn't have an ideal childhood, but then again, who did?  I am so frustrated right now that I can't hardly see straight, and this is an improvement over the anger I felt earlier.

My sister is 13 years younger than me and was raised pretty much solely by my mother.  Almost all of those close to me know that my mother was not a nice lady.  She was greedy and convinced that the world owed her something.  I think she was probably the closest I will ever get to the true definition of "narcissism."  I think that growing up with mom being Lindsey's sole source of morality and ethics has damaged my sister.  I think it has damaged her irrevocably. 

This whole thing leads me to my own guilt for it being the way it is, because when I left at 18, I knew mom was batshit.  Still I left my sister there.  I didn't take her with me because I was a teenager, I didn't think I was in any way ready to continue raising my sister, and I didn't know what else to do.  So I left her.  I left her to grow up molded by my mother's terribly skewed sense of what is right and wrong.  I did try a couple of times to get her out of there, but nothing ever came of it until it was too late.  I called all the right people and told them about the abuse that was going on there and as far as I know, nothing ever happened.  I wish it were different. 

I have tried to help my sister ever since mom got out of prison and it has never worked out.  First, when she was still so young and a teenager, you know I had no idea what I was talking about and she knew so much more than I did, so she chose to not visit me and allow me to help her.  Then after mom died and she was married and having problems, she and her husband moved in to my house.  My husband and I supported them and tried to help them get a better life, but because we wanted them to act like adults and be responsible, they moved out of our house and in to her long lost uncle Brant's place.  I had found him for her when she asked me about her dad's family.  Well, it didn't work out so well there either, so she and her husband moved out of there and back to Kingsport.  You know, all of us were wrong to her in some way so we are all wrong and she is the only one who is right. 

She moved on and I let her, I didn't let her in to my life, and she never bothered to keep in contact with me.  She only calls, emails, or texts when she wants something.  Today I find out that her current fiancee is no longer her fiancee and he has a tape that she wrangled out of her dying grandmother of her and her father when she was an infant.  She wants it back, I don't blame her, but she is letting everyone believe that she is always right and forever the victim and everyone else is wrong.  She is letting my sister in law feel bad for her, and planning on trying to get my brother to feel bad for her. 

This irritates me to no end, because she needs to stop leaching off of who ever she thinks can give her the most and earn her own living.  I am pretty sure that she is going to ask my brother if she can move in with him and his wife.  Most of the time, I wouldn't care- do what you want, but my brother has had such a hard time already  in this life due to his own bad choices which led to addictions, and he is finally getting it all straight.  Here she comes ready to stick her foot in his pretty pie and fuck it all up.  Because poor her doesn't have a life anymore because everyone shits on her and she is so damned pitiful.

Fucking grow a pair and move on. Make your own life and stop playing the damn victim.  Life will only ever be what you want it to be when YOU start working to make it what you want.  No one ever handed me anything, I have had to work my ass off for what I have.  Still most of what I have is hard won self respect. 

I am just so angry that she thinks just like mom did.  Everyone owes her, and she shouldn't have to work for anything.  Makes me really glad that my son never knew her better.  I know there are people out there who will think me twisted for that, but it's the truth. 

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